A Tiger Master's Code
by corset-rebellion-follower
Summary: 101 things that Master Tigress absolutely, positively, 100 percent cannot do at the Jade Palace or in the Valley of Peace.


A Tiger Master's Code

By corset-rebellion-follower

Disclaimer: I don't own Kung Fu Panda

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You all know and love me ask the calm, cool, collected, and high strung master of kung fu. But here's some things that I can't do at the Jade Palace that sometimes I wish I could.

**I, Master Tigress of the Furious Five, do hereby swear that:**

_1. I may not stick my tongue out at Master Shifu when he's not looking, no matter how annoying he is being_

_2. I may not walk around in tinted sunglasses and say I went blind because I accidentally saw Po naked_

_3. I may not pull down Po's pants and shove him out into the hallway to see if anyone does go blind_

_4. I may not use Viper's mascara to write "Tigress Rules!" on any and all reflective surfaces_

_5. I may not detach the Seven Swinging Clubs of Instant Oblivion and put them in front of everyone's bedroom door so they can't get out_

_6. I may not hide Master Shifu's flute so I can watch him storm around, trying to find it_

_7. I also may not stick ABC gum into the finger holes to see if his fingers stick_

_8. I may not bleach my fur white and tell everyone I was born albino_

_9. I may not tell everyone that Viper is secretly a vampire and that's what she has fangs_

_10. I may not bring a mime in and have him act like Po so I can watch Po freak out_

_11. I may not use Crane's calligraphy inks to dye everyone's clothing in a tye-dye fashion_

_12. I may not walk around with an eye patch and say that I lost my eye in the Great War_

_13. I may not give Po fake directions to a gingerbread cottage in an enchanted forest, and then tell him to use Monkey's almond cookies as a trail so he doesn't get lost_

_14. I may not use Mantis' acupuncture needles to pin him down while I try to dissect him_

_15. I may not tell Zeng that Master Shifu needs a message read to the Valley that says, "Does anybody know where I can find Amanda Hugginkiss?"_

_16. I may not sell Viper's perfume in the Valley, saying it's a love potion that no one can resist_

_17. I may not try to contact Oogway's spirit to ask, "Where can I find a store that sells inner peace? Master Shifu needs some more."_

_18. I may not buy edamame in the market and then sell it to Po for ten times the price because I told him they were magic beans_

_19. I may not tie Tai Lung's tail to his bed so that I can watch him try to get up in the morning_

_20. I may not streak through the Jade Palace for laughs, nor in any other place for that matter_

_21. I may not go swimming in the Pool of Sacred Tears_

_22. I also may not go skinny dipping in the Moon Pool when it's hot out_

_23. I may not run around singing "Everybody is kung fu fighting!" at the top of my lungs_

_24. I may not post a picture of Master Shifu wearing makeup in the village square_

_25. I may not cut down the Thread of Hope and then use the excuse, "I needed some dental floss."_

_26. I may not spread the dust from cheese curls on the floor and say I'm shedding_

_27. I may not paint Master Shifu so that he looks like Mickey Mouse_

_28. I may not seduce men that I know are attracted to me so that I can try the Wuxi Finger Hold on them_

_29. I may not replace all the utensils in the kitchen with toys_

_30. I may not walk around in a bikini just to watch men's mouths hang open_

_31. I may not hide tampons in Tai Lung's room and then ask him about them loudly when there are lots of other people around_

_32. I may not dress in a full length ball gown, slippers, and a tiara and say that I just found out I'm the sole heir to the English throne_

_33. I may not pack all my things and pretend that I'm running away to Africa, or some other equally far off place_

_34. I may not prance around and sing, pretending to be a wood nymph_

_35. I may not paint Tai Lung's spots orange when he's asleep, then warn him that he may be drinking too much carrot juice_

_36. I may not dip myself in chocolate or a similar coating to see if anyone would believe that they manufacture life-sized Master Tigress shaped candies_

_37. I may not beat up said people who do believe that I am made of chocolate for trying to take a bite out of me_

_38. I may not tell Master Shifu that I eloped with someone last night and I want him to meet my new husband_

_39. I may not take Viper's flowers and sell them to a crazed fan_

_40. I may not fill Po's shoes with Jell-O_

_41. I may not post quarantine signs on the training hall door and tell Master Shifu that I converted it into a safe house for lepers so only I can go inside_

_42. I may not put itching powder on the floor of the Hall of Warriors so that when Shifu goes to meditate, his feet and legs will itch to no end_

_43. I may not switch around the stuff in everyone's rooms so they think that they're in the wrong room_

_44. I may not spread hummus on Monkey's face to trigger his allergies and watch him sneeze every two seconds_

_45. I may not create fake documents and present them to Master Shifu, saying that the lease on the Jade Palace is up and we have to be out by sundown_

_46. I may not turn the Jade Palace into a dance club and install a disco ball, then explain that I needed to exercise my right to party_

_47. I may not take Crane's hat and use it to play Ultimate Frisbee_

_48. I may not establish a credit card account under Master Shifu's name and max it out to see what happens_

_49. I may not invite the Jonas Brothers or any other all-male singing group to perform at the Jade Palace and then try to mate with them_

_50. I may not pierce my nose and dye my fur black and tell everyone I'm going goth_

_51. I may not cover all the floors of the Jade Palace in sand and say that I wanted to go to the beach_

_52. I may not play keep away by throwing Mantis through the air and keeping him away from the ground_

_53. I may not send a letter to the WWF saying that the rare subspecies of leopard, the Sarcastic Snow Leopard, can be found in the Valley of Peace and that they should come immediately to help save this endangered species_

_54. I may not put a chest of chocolate coins in Po's room and then tell him he's rich and should go on a shopping spree_

_55. I may not say that I am quitting the Furious Five to join a rock band_

_56. I may not shave Tai Lung's fur off to see if his spots are imprinted on his skin_

_57. I may not convince people that a vengeful leprechaun has taken over the Valley and he demands that everybody must be his slaves and guard his pot of gold so that he doesn't have to_

_58. I may not put everybody else in the Jade Palace into crates and ship them off to a wildlife preserve in Kenya so that I can have some alone time_

_59. I may not rent my room as an apartment and let a fat, lazy man named Stewart live there_

_60. I may not create a fake message from the Emperor that requests that Master Shifu sends an autographed photo of himself. An autographed nude photo of himself._

_61. I may not leave Tai Lung fake love letters that describe in explicit detail exactly what his 'secret admirer' wants to do with him_

_62. I may not post an advertisement saying that there is a whore for rent, then when people come tell them they have the right place and courteously point them to Tai Lung_

_63. I may not hold a convention of well-muscled men in the Jade Palace_

_64. I may not pour chocolate milk down Po's pants and watch him dance around like an idiot_

_65. I may not set Viper up with a blind date with the Adversary_

_66. I may not dig a 20 ft. hole then lure Mantis inside and watch him try to get out_

_67. I may not hang sad clown paintings in everyone's rooms to freak them out_

_68. I may not convince Po that he is actually in a dream and watch him try to wake himself up_

_69. I may not distract Crane so that he flies into a wall and gets his beak stuck_

_70. I may not ask Master Shifu if we can have "The Talk"_

_71. I may not ask Master Shifu if he could give me the talk about "womanly processes" for a second time_

_72. I may not rip pages out of Viper's diary and make her go on a scavenger hunt to get them back_

_73. I may not put black fabric over everyone's windows so that I can sleep in_

_74. I may not send bouquets of flowers to random males in Viper's name_

_75. I may not tie Monkey's hands and feet and stick an apple in his mouth, then try to pass him off as a gourmet dish_

_76. I may not use extra strength hair gel to spike Tai Lung's fur during the night_

_77. I may not start making out with random guys on the street, no matter how yumalicious they are_

_78. I may not wear a genie's costume while singing, "I dream of the Jeannie with the light brown hair"_

_79. I may not replace the gong with an MP3 player that only blasts loud punk music_

_80. I may not grease the floors of the bunkhouse so that I can watch everybody slide around and fall_

_81. I may not enter the Winter Olympics and win a gold medal in figure skating_

_82. I may not adopt a puppy so I can watch it chase its tail_

_83. I may not rent an active volcano for the weekend and drop my enemies inside_

_84. I may not grade everyone on their kung fu, and if they fail make them eat gruel instead of their normal dinner_

_85. I may not enter a salsa dancing competition or a salsa making competition_

_86. I may not eat 50 lbs of fish and then dump the bones into Tai Lung's room and say, "Would you mind taking care of these for me? Thanks," and rushing out of there_

_87. I may not alter the scientific tree of life so that it's actually possible for Mr. Ping and Po to be related by blood_

_88. I may not name myself supreme god of the universe and make everyone bow down to me_

_89. I may not wear a hat and carry around a whip, pretending to be Indiana Jones_

_90. I may not have "the best of both worlds"_

_91. I may not launch a worldwide campaign that will force everyone to talk with peanut butter in their mouth_

_92. I may not kick Po down the stairs just for laughs_

_93. I may not walk around with a pillow stuffed under my shirt and tell everyone that I'm eight months and three weeks pregnant_

_94. I may not switch my clothes with Tai Lung's so that I can laugh at him walking around in women's clothes_

_95. I also may not replace all of his underwear with g-strings and watch him wince in pain whenever he walks_

_96. I may not give Master Shifu a tattoo when he is sleeping_

_97. I may not write "Property of Master Tigress" on the Dragon Scroll so that Po will give it to me_

_98. I may not walk around in a French maid outfit to make the males at the Jade Palace drool_

_99. I may not hold an election to try and get Master Shifu out of the Jade Palace and for me to take his place as Grand Master_

_100. I may not run away with a man and right before we get married say, "Sorry, you're not my type."_

_101. I may not video tape any of the previous activities and post it on YouTube_

**So from this day forth I will never do any of the things mentioned above.**

**Signed,**

**Master Tigress**

A/N: I got the idea for this from FalconMage's "101 things that Tai Lung may not do" fic. It's hilarious, go read it! You rock FalconMage! Holla!


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